The Half Monti

OUCH . . . . OUCH, OUCH, OUCH

According to Liverpool court records, young Ms. Amanda Monti, 24, at the conclusion of a house party, decided she wanted to play 'hide the salami' with party guest, Mr. Geoffrey Jones, 37. And she was not about to take "no" for an answer.

Mr. Jones, for whatever reason, did not wish to share his salami. Instead, he rebuffed the advances of Ms. Monti.

Ms. Monti, in a fit of angst, then placed both hands upon Mr. Jones naughty bits through his pants and proceeded to yank . . . hard. At the end of the first yank, she had caused Mr. Jones extreme agony, but had only succeeded in pulling off his pants and underpants.

Not satisfied, Ms. Monti then proceeded to firmly grasp Mr. Jones's left testicle in her clawed mits and gave a tremendous heave. She met with more success this time, managing to pull said testicle completely free of said Mr. Jones's body.

Evidently hungry from her herculean efforts, Ms. Monti saw in her hands not merely the recently detached testicle of the now in shock Mr. Jones, but a tempting hors d'oeuvre. Unable to resist, Ms. Monti tossed it into her mouth for a bit of epicurean delight. Court records show that she eventually spit out the masticated remains. Though not in the records, reports are that she then muttered something to the effect of "needs salt."

The attack has left Mr. Jones permanently shy one half of his jewels. Thus, from the country that gave us the Full Monty, we now have the much more terrifying Half Monti.

The Liverpool Crown Court, before passing judgment, described this partial emasculation of Mr. Jones as a "very serious injury." We think that a classic of British understatement. The Court then sentenced Ms. Monti to a mere 2 1/2 years in prison.

I think that I can speak for every male reading this - each of whom is unconsciously squeezing his legs together for protection and wincing in sympathetic pain - that the Court's sentence of Ms. Monti is more then grossly inadequate.

I am unsure precisely what lessons should be take away from this, though at least one seems clear. Given that the Courts will not provide adequate justice, when a drunken woman demands sex, out of sheer self defense, you should not turn her away. By God, men, don the beer goggles if you must, but in any event, protect yourselves.

Read the entire story here.